Lonely Heart Ad

You Are: Six feet tall, six five in heels, with breasts that are each larger than my head: you have tattoos on your crotch, lower back and left breast. The tattoo on your crotch says "Sex" or it might say "fuck". You have no hair on your body at all except your head and eyelids. You have an IQ of 220 and passed A Level maths at the age of 10. You have degrees in literature, philosophy, maths and physics. You are professor of maths at Cambridge but in your spare time you are Professor of Poetry at Oxford.

I am: 5 nowt, bald, with a gut that would shame Buddha. I have an IQ of a shade over 0, a microscopic knob, and I last precisely one push in bed. Any more than that and I come instantly. I make a weird "heurgh" noise when I come. I don't have a job. Instead I blog as "the fat cunt" and I sneer at passers-by when I know full well they look at me piteously.

Are you the one?