Well thank fuck for this.
In other news:
British people cancel contract with "inept, bossy, arrogant" government.
British government cancels contract with "disloyal, selfish, ungrateful" people, claims "they will just never get the project of total surveillance".
CCTV camera walks out on country road, cites "disagreement" with motorists.
CCTV camera claims murder "not my fault", protests that "I couldn't see his face".
CCTV camera claims murder "not my fault", protests that "I did see his face but i'm only a mass of metal and plastic so I can't be expected to arrest someone now can I."
Ronaldo fails to move to Madrid, cites own "greed" and "idiocy" as reasons.
CCTV camera "not to blame" for theft, burglary, assault, GBH: claims "It's really hard to get a good look from this angle".
Evenings get darker: UK insists "it's the latitude, gov".
CCTV camera "scores result" in thrown apple-core case. "We got the bastard" it says, as high-fives with DNA database.
Pissed bloke gets hangover: curry "to blame".
Police officer sues member of public, cites "unrealistic expectations" of arrest of scumbag for crime. LATEST: arrests member of public, cites "Public Order Act" in case of looking at public servant "wrong way".
CRB form fails to prevent murder, whinges "well he was clear".
Bears cancel contract with "unhygenic, poorly maintained" public toilets, set to sign new deal with "woods".
Pope cancels agreement with Richard Dawkins, claims "not the deal I thought I was signing up for". Dawkins to sue for breach of contract.
Eggs reveal non-ovaristic origin, claim "we come from outer space".
Lifeboat operatives save life: disciplined for breach of H&S rules.*
*Yes: inevitably, this is true.
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