Friday, 6 June 2008

Bad News Week Redux

God forgive the inventors and maintainers of work (see posts, passim). Still, they have little or no choice in what they do: they love it so much they can do no other than enslave everyone else.

Anyway.


I thought I would try to plagiarise a previous post by the awesome CBI. IN the original, CBI interviewed Jesus. I'm going to turn the tables somewhat. Here is the interview, keenly awaited, between God and TTD.

G: SO, TD, thanks for joining me here tonight.

TD: It's a pleasure o divine maker of all things.

G: How art thou, my son?

TD: Well, I've been better, to be honest. Firstly my love life is a shambles, very little love and no life to it: and as for work - well just go and read some of my posts.

G: I have, my son. Stella?

TD: That'd be lovely, thanks.

Stella appears on table, cold, bubbly and with a minimal head.

TD: Hey wow. This is...divine.

G: Au naturellement my son. Crisps?

TD: You read my mind.

An infinite packet of the most amazing cheese n onion appears.

G: [insouciantly waving infinitely powerful arm]. Now my son, onto more important matters. Why are you such a c***?

TD: Er...quoi?

G: You heard. My son. Can I dispense with this "my son" crap now? Tell it as it is, TD. After all, I know already.

TD: Er....I...well, you hardly need to hear it from me then do you you sadistic old bastard, er, o great one.

G: Au contraire you contemptible little shit, my son. I need more than ever to hear it from you, before you die and become a diseased part of my infinite arse.

TD: Why the ******* hell would that make any difference to you? Er...o infinite power of my power.

G: Well, look at it like this. You are a particularly unpleasant pile on the arse of the divine redeemer. If I accept you into my heaven I will be cursed with the agony of you in my eternal jacksie, for all of time and even beyond time.

TD: Oh. I always thought i was sort of special. Being a human and all that.

G: Don't make me laugh. I have wasps here with more intelligent - and humane - conversation than you.

TD: Oh.

G: So?

TD: So what?

G: Why are you such a ****?

TD: O great healer of sins, I am a **** as you so irrefutably and sinlessly put it, because I have never really been bothered to be anything else.

G: Meaning?

TD: Well, that it is easy to be an angry pisshead and a lazy old twat.

G: Good. Continue. My son.

Pint of infinite Stella appears, momentarily on the table.


TD: Well, er, I suppose that I look to be out of my head too much; I loathe and detest being...well, er...being.

G: So give me one reason not to kill you now.

TD: I'm afraid to.

G: That's not a reason.

Stella disappears. TD gets deeply, profoundly, thirsty.


TD: OK...I guess...I could...sort of...

G: Yes?

TD: whispers Love some people.

G: Such as?

TD: Names obscured on legal advice.

G: And?

TD: Futher names obscured on legal advice.

G: Better. What else?

TD: I could stop treating people like fuel for my impotent rage. I could stop whining and moaning. I could stop being tempted to support an authoritarian and hate-driven government. I could truly strike out for what I believe in. I could work for everything that is good. But...I...

G: I sense a hesitation, my son.

TD: But...

G: Yes?

TD: What would I blog about then?


God disappears in a puff of blogospheric anguish.

5 comments:

jmb said...

So we are to take it all with a grain of salt then Jim? Not to say I don't find it all fascinating, whatever it is.

Jim Callaghan said...

Oh well, read it however you like! I am an English graduate after all and the author died, oh many years ago now....

Crushed said...

Is not the answer to the final question contained in the paragraph above?

This has kind of a Screwtape Letters feel to it...

It seems to be a good thing that the big man showed up to ask you these questions- seems he left you ruminating :)

Was this before or after he turned you into Jim Callaghan?

Lord James Bigglesworth said...

See you've gone off your brain too, TD. Bit of CBI here. :)

Jim Callaghan said...

Crushed: After,definitely after!

James: yes I think i have. I don't really take well to the warmer weather!