Budget Statement

Since we're approaching the start of the new financial year I thought I'd make a budget statement of my own to demonstrate to my reader the application of prudent fiscal management.

Firstly, GDP (Gross Drummer Product) is set to rise this year by whatever the bastards decide, not to exceed 2%. Probably about 1%. Debt, as a proportion of the GDP, will fall from 42% to 35%, as the laptop has just about been paid off but there is an expensive insurance claim yet to be settled. Exports are in their usual parlous state (the traditional drummer-favourable markets have been withdrawing their interest during the last two quarters) but imports, notably of alcoholic beverages originating in Belgium, are set to rise by 10%.

So to the changes in fiscal policy. Firstly spending on fuel will rise in line with the chancellor's rises in taxation. Spending on books has been hit recently by a disinclination to read: however to encourage greater growth in the studying of texts, spending on books will rise by 42%. Spending on alcohol will increase by inflation plus an additional 8% (see above); this is to offset the hectoring self-righteousness and nannying of the chancellor of the exchequer. Spending on crisps and other snacks is a difficult area of expenditure and it is with considerable thought that I have decided the following: crisps (cheese and onion): to remain static at 2 packets per 3 pints; nuts to fall by 5% (representing a real terms increase of 12% since 1997); chocolate: to fall by 20% to reflect the changing tastes of the market (ie it does not go well with Stella).

Gym membership expenditure will increase by 2%. This is, I am sure we can all agree, a major step towards making the drummer carbon neutral by 2042. It should offset 1% of the increase in alcohol expenditure. By 2009 gym expenditure will increase by a further 2% and by 5% in the three years after 2009. This will make considerable progress towards our EU target of "not being a fat bastard".

There will be a one off expenditure of 35% of GDP on hair transplants in this fiscal year. This will be offset by an increase in interest from other markets from 2009 onwards. (jeers from opposition benches) Yes, we can all complain can't we, but under the previous government interest from other markets was static at 0%. Only this government has brought sustained and effective interest - until recently - from desirable bodies located near the drummer. The loss of hair has been a global phenomenon for which this government cannot be held responsible. (more jeers)

I commend this Budget to the House as an example of stability and strength in these...zzzzzzzzzzzz....