Tosswatch

Last night BBC2 showed the first episode of Torchwood for us barbarians who haven't got digital yet (I didn't hang around to see if they showed the second as well). For a start, it justifies the Onion headline of years ago: "High-Definition Tv Promises Sharper Crap".

It was awful. I mean it was really poor. Firstly, John Barrowman cannot act. When he thinks he is being sardonic or subdued, really he is just monotoning his lines. His character, lacking depth, any explanation of its continued existence, or interest, is as dull as Blackburn Rovers on a rainy Wednesday.

Secondly the premise is stupid, boring and not at all postmodern or ironic. An organisation of 4 people "beyond the united nations" working from a Cardiff shed and doing its thang in coincidentally many of the same places Doctor Who recently has? Get me an imagination transplant, and fast.

Thirdly I found it really difficult to believe this simple minded crap was written, directed and acted for grown ups. Sure, some people said "bastard" and even "fuck", but swearing does not an adult programme make (unless it is done with conviction, and an overarching sense that this is how adults behave in the programme itself). It had all the moral and ethical complexity of an episode of Neighbours. Russell T Davies, as is his wont, shoehorned in his little philosophy that everyone is naturally bisexual in a completely irrelevant sequence where one of the Torchwood twats pulls a girl - and her boyfriend! How I laughed at the grown up attitude to sexuality and the hymn to the wonderful power of lust. But what was the plot? Where was the narrative drive? What kind of a character is this policewoman? Everyone seemed just shadows in a Cardiff alleyway.

On the other hand, it is wholly natural that this was made for grown ups in a world where "adult" means porn, and where a Cheltenham shopping arcade has to put a little robot out saying "Be Careful. This floor is wet" all day long.

I really like RTDs Doctor Who, with a few reservations mainly to do with tone, but this piss-poor offshoot should be consigned to the toilet. Bring back K9 & Company.